Anything

(I wrote this to one of my sisters from a different mister and I felt like it needed to be posted here too)

I was thinking deeper with this quote last night and had just a few thoughts floating around as a result.

"I will do anything not to die here. I want to live and not die." 

(Jen Wilkin in the Women's Bible Study at my church)

The word "live" here has so many meanings to me beyond the obvious. To live equals not dying. And I don't think of just a physical death (though it's not excluded from that meaning here) but also, I think of it as the death of dreams-to-be-fulfilled; death of who I really am inside that is hidden behind depression, self-hate, insecurity and hopelessness; death of what I could be but choose not to be by not fighting sin; death of real joy, even happiness on some levels; death of the experience of real, honest-to-goodness freedom; death of a deer-panting-for-water type of relationship with Jesus. So, therefore, since "to live" means that these things (and I) don't have to die, then "to live" means it won't be my hand that causes my body to wither away; I am free to be me because I don't bow to fear, insecurity, depression anymore; I can actually dream (!!) instead of killing my dreams when I am crippled by my sin and am hopeless; my self-imposed, closed doors to my future potential are now open; I can finally experience more than fleeting happiness but abiding joy (it's a real thing that I didn't think existed for a long time); and best of all, I get to have a relationship with Jesus that isn't a yoke but a delight.

All of this because first, I have said "I will do anything not to die here." Jen called it a "ruthless determination" to fight sin. It makes me think of a popular sermon jam with Piper. Holy smokes, it's powerful.

The quote is also indicative of how I've had to force myself to think about the sin I find myself in with the biggest, longest living idols in my life. It sticks with me because I prayed (and still do) a lot that God wouldn't turn me over to my sin, i.e. what I desired more than Him. I told Him that I needed Him to be my rescue, literally pulling me away from my sin and my selfish tendencies with whatever means was necessary. He's been faithful in this time and time again; my lust for these things still rages on and I still fail a lot but the heart-positioning that is the foundation of this quote is what I have to pursue over and over - every single day. It doesn't come natural but it's possible if I'll just ask for it every single day. I don't want to live to be a slave, I want to live to be free. Free.

Greatly loved

This is an excerpt from my go-to devotional year round. Even if I listed each example, you'd never believe how often I will randomly pull up that day's morning or evening entry and it speaks straight to an issue I am dealing with that day. I sat in church on Sunday morning after singing my medicine and asked my good friend, "Why? Why does He love us? How could He?" The Lord not only continually teaches me to trust in His love for me, He also asks me to step out of the trap of unbelief. Just as I'm asking "How? Why?", He shows that He loves me - loves me just where I am, questions and all - by leading me to a passage about His very nature. Unbelievable.

Evening

"...man greatly loved." - Daniel 10:11

Child of God, do you hesitate to appropriate this title? Has your unbelief made you forget that you are also greatly loved? Surely you must have been greatly loved, to have been bought with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot? When God crushed His only Son for you, what was this but being greatly loved? You lived in sin and rioted in it; surely you were greatly loved for God to have been so patient with you.You were called by grace and led to a Savior and made a child of God and an heir of heaven. Doesn't this all prove a very great and superabounding love? Since that time, whether your path has been rough with troubles or smooth with mercies, it has been full of proofs that you are greatly loved. If the Lord has chastened you, it was not in anger; if He has made you poor, still in grace you have been rich. The more unworthy you feel yourself to be, the more evidence you have that nothing but unspeakable love could have led the Lord Jesus to save a soul like yours. The more disapproval you feel, the clearer is the display of God's abounding love in choosing you and calling you and making you an heir of heaven. Now, if such love exists between God and us, let us live in the influence and sweetness of it and use the privilege of our position. We should not approach our Lord as though we are strangers or as though He were unwilling to hear us - for we are greatly loved by our loving Father. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"* Come boldly, believer, for despite the whispers of Satan and the doubts of your own heart, you are greatly loved. Meditate on the exceeding greatness and faithfulness of divine love this evening, and then go to your bed in peace.

*Romans 8:32
(emphasis added by me)

What a difference a year can make...

It wasn't but just over one year ago this month, I decided that it was time for a major change in that way that I ate, drank, stayed active, looked, etc. Inspired and encouraged by a few brave friends, I began the hard and long (thought it doesn't feel like it) process of shedding about 90-100lbs. I'm only half way done now but I can already look back in amazement at how out of control I had become.

It's a complicated battle...losing weight. Anyone who says that it's merely a physical, outward issue does not have their head screwed on right. There is no way I can combat my weight without digging down deep to figure out how I got so big in the first place. Lots of bad habits, plenty of negligence and ignorance, too much self-pity and pride...they all contributed to the problem.

I won't give you all the secrets to getting yourself together - if you're using the computer right now and watch TV at least every once in awhile, you know what steps you need to take to get it together. Instead, I'll just say this - love yourself enough to take care of yourself. It's not about physical looks, it's not about being a certain weight, it's not about being able to shop wherever you want - those are all nice and wonderful in their own way. It's about doing what is right and good and holy for your body. Stop making excuses and move. You'll never regret it, even when you're cursing Jillian Michaels/your trainer/the salad bar/the scale.

I'm only half way there but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I've already won my life back. Now, time to move....

(Left: "before" in August 2009 / Right: "half way done" in September 2011 / approx. 55-60lbs gone!)

Life in India - The People, part two

*Note: I meant to write this while still in India but life happened and I'm just posting it now. Thanks for understanding!

Last time I wrote about India, I talked about the people - in general - of that great nation. I didn't get a chance to really dig into my fun times with all of my teammates and the many others that I encountered on a regular basis. That's what I hope to do here - to recount more than just stories, but to express my deepest gratitude for hospitality beyond anything I've experienced to that point.

My business goal for the trip was to train a group of approximately 30 people on how to manage the Quality Assurance function of survey programming at my company. Seeing as I took the lead in refining the process internally over the last few years, I was asked to present it and teach it for two months in Gurgaon, India. I believe my trip was a success regarding this goal and I'm excited seeing the fruits of it today. Being super detail-oriented is not for everyone and I was so happy to see people work very hard to refining this skill in themselves.

My personal goal for the trip was to make friendships that would carry over past the duration of the trip and welcome a large group of people into the cultural fold of our company. I knew that I would get a chance to learn about India like I hadn't yet in the U.S., but what I didn't realize was that India and the people at Genpact would welcome me into the cultural fold of India.

I'm still not sure I can completely convey with words what the two-month experience was like. I was immediately struck with the warmest hospitality by everyone around me, even many people who initially just stared at this pale, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Westerner. (To pretend I didn't stand out and attempt to blend in was a joke, let's be honest. So I embraced it as often as I could!)

A few highlights with these amazing people:

• The impromptu photo shoot in the walkway of the office - *almost* everyone loved getting their personal pictures taken
• Having to repeat myself regarding colloquialisms that are Western and have no relevance in India - I still failed at this, as hard as I tried
• Getting used to the side-to-side head nod that accompanied many of my questions to the class; is that a 'yes', a 'no' or a 'maybe'? (I was doing it myself before I knew it and it still hasn't worn off at home - I love it!)
• The heated QA jeopardy and housey trivia games amongst the blue, red and yellow teams. If I remember right, blue team took the lead many times, right everyone?
• Friday night dinner at Ambience Mall with the QA peeps - still one of my fondest memories altogether. (I learned Indian food tastes better when you eat it with your hands)
• Getting into Sahil's car with all the girls and hearing Taylor Swift on the stereo - so funny!
• The superhero discussion one early morning on the night shift - RAJNIKANTH! (I'm not a person who recalls quotes well but I can still quote things that Bhupendra, Divesh and Lalit said about superheroes - so funny!)
• Akash reminding me that though the weekend started the next day, most of my Saturday would be ruined since I had to sleep most of the day
• Pizza - instead of pronouncing the word with the t-sound like peet-zah, everyone says peez-zah
• Priyanka walking me down to the doctor's office after I gave up on my pride and admitted I was sick
• The look in Vittesh's eyes when we would talk about steak - still cracks me up
• The care and concern everyone would express when I came in tired or not feeling too well
• Everyone encouraging me with their sweet sentiments when I wore "Indian dress" - I still wear it sometimes in U.S.!

And that's just a sampling of things I enjoyed with these great people!

There were several other people that were blessings to me:

• The men who worked in the hotel restaurant - they would see me come in and immediately offer to bring any number of my favorite items (aloo paratha, masala dosa, bhaji, dal, cappucino, egg omelette, dim sum, etc.)
• Head housekeeper, the hotel's general manager and the female assistant manager - always so helpful
• Sweet, cute kids that live in the house behind my hotel building - they always waved "bye, bye, bye" when they'd see me
• All of the drivers, taking me to-and-from the office, all over Gurgaon and Delhi, etc.
• The cute family that stopped me in Kingdom of Dreams to ask me my name and where I was from rather than stare and run away - they were the first ones to do that and were just so fun to talk to
• Shailaja, Manish, Avani and Tanisha - they knew I'd need to adjust some and were really encouraging the entire time
• The Park Plaza restaurant staff - I'd come in alone a lot and they would strike up some really good conversations

I will be forever grateful to the people who showed me nothing but kindness while I was there; no doubt, my trip would not have been so wonderful if it had not been for them.

{Songs to Sing}: Never Once

Never Once

by Matt Redman (performed), Jason Ingram & Tim Wanstall

Standing on this mountaintop 

Looking just how far we've come 

Knowing that for every step 

You were with us 

Kneeling on this battle ground 

Seeing just how much You've done 

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us 

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Yes, our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Kneeling on this battle ground 

Seeing just how much You've done 

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us 

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Yes, our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Carried by Your constant grace 

Held within Your perfect peace 

Never once, no, we never walk alone 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace 

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Life in India - The People, part one

*Note: I wrote this while still in India but life happened and I'm just posting it now. Thanks for understanding!

Let me tell you all something that you may not know: the people of India are some incredible people. Trust me, I don't dole out that compliment very often (a rather unfortunate matter all of its own). I tend to think people are morally corrupt until proven otherwise (I kid, I kid). Seriously though, I have been blown away over and over again by these beautiful people - their hospitality, the love of family, their commitment to hard work, the devotion to tradition, and more than anything, their resilience. If there is anything that would keep me in India, its the people.

About 1.2 billion human beings live in all of India. To give you some perspective, India's landmass is slightly more than 1/3 of the size of the U.S. While the U.S. has approximately 311 million people, India has four times as many people! All that to say: India can feel just a little crowded, especially in "touristy" places or in the cities. Also, the hard truth about India is that it's technically still considered a developing country, despite the large number of technology and IT-related companies that find a home here. As a result, there are hundreds of millions of people living at what many people consider extreme poverty.

For my entire trip in India so far and especially to/from Agra, I question, "How do people manage this lifestyle everyday?" I'm not talking about the person who makes a decent living and is able to provide well for their family. I'm talking about the people I see cooking food for their families on the sidewalk within a short walk from my hotel. I'm talking about the women who sit on the side of the road with their babies running around only in t-shirts in the gravel dirt, waiting for who knows what. My Western sensitivities and ideas about living are assaulted over and over again by what I see all around me. I live a plush life in Texas and there is a part of me that cannot remain the same after seeing what I've seen. And I don't want it to! Almost daily I am struck with a pang of guilt and another "Why?". Why, that as I tuck myself into this nice queen size bed in this 4 or 5 star hotel, a family literally just downstairs from my room lived in a brick hut that was just knocked down by a developer?

I don't want you to hear me saying something I'm not so let me be clear: the Indian people do not need my/your/our pity. That is not my purpose in writing all of this. More than anything I want to be challenged and to challenge you all in your way of thinking about life and its many pleasures. Do not take anything you have for granted. It is all a gift.

I've talked to Fima, Manish, Avani and Shailaja about this a few times over the last few weeks. I cannot bear to be silent about what I see and I have so many questions. How do they do it? What goes on in a mother's heart and mind when she hoists herself onto the back of a motorcycle, knowing she has only two hands to hold onto to safety for herself and her baby? How do you decide whether to roll down your car window to give the legless man down below a few rupees? What happens when 120 degrees outside threatens to drain you of your life and there is no escape?

Many will say that I can't bother with all the "what-if" and "why" thoughts...they'll overwhelm me, they say. Others say to do what you can and trust God with the rest.

I have yet to find an answer that fits and feels right. I don't want to walk away from India more selfish than I came - grateful to learn a life lesson about my abundant blessings and leave it at that. No, that won't do.

So, what to do? I know a few good resources available immediately that can provide some help to someone here in India - great and small.

First, there is Compassion International - one of my favorite organizations. There are tons of beautiful faces attached to beautiful kiddos that need some support for school, healthy food, etc. If you're interested, check it out! I am planning to choose an Indian friend for my buddy Juan in Nicaragua. Maybe a girl this time!

Also, As Our Own is a wonderful organization based in India that serves to "rescue children from lives of slave labor, such as organized begging and the sex trade." You can easily sign up for their email distribution list or follow them on Facebook to keep up with tangible and intangible needs there.


Finally, there are several other organizations that commit themselves to the people of India: in financial ways, in physical resources, in prayer, etc.

• Water.org for clean water
• WorldVision.org for child sponsorship
• Love146 for prevention, awareness & recovery from sex trafficking

I am sure there are many, many more to list but these are a few that jump out to me by either experience with each org or word of mouth from others.

The people I encountered in the office (amazing people!! see a picture of some of us below), all of the car drivers, hotel staff, restaurant staff, rickshaw drivers, market salespeople, hospital staff...they were exceptional! They were all so warm, welcoming and very eager to make me feel at home as much as possible. I would not have made it through my time there were it not for them!

It's the people of India that I will miss most of all.

I want to write again about the people of India but more specifically about my new teammates, the guys and gals that opened up their minds and hearts to welcome me in. Stay continued for part two...

(Take one)

(Take two...more open eyes!)

(A fun group of people)

Life in India - Trip to Agra

I think it has been a whopping three weeks since I wrote much of anything on this blog. So sorry to everyone who has been trying to keep up via the blog! I've tried to update facebook fairly often but even then, I'm struggling to post things because I have been all over the place lately.

So, first things first - you need to hear and see the trip to Agra!

Jai Gurudev temple on the road to Agra

We left Gurgaon around 6:30am on Saturday morning and almost immediately started the trip to Agra. The drive itself took about four and a half hours and we arrived in Agra at about 11:30am. Just like most of my rides around Gurgaon, my eyes stayed peeled open on the ride to Agra - we drove through so many villages along the way, I didn't want to miss anything. We saw temples, colleges, city life, camels, cows - all while driving 90-100 kmph in Indian traffic!

Highway sign pointing us in the right direction

Traffic jam!

Auto rickshaw repair stop

Statues of gods ready for purchase

Another traffic jam, this time with bulls (or cows or water buffalo - whatever they are!)

When we arrived in Agra, all I could think about was finally seeing the Taj Mahal. The drive was definitely worth it. Trust me when I say that pictures don't really capture the beauty of this place. Inside, it's not that fascinating since there is no electricity and it's quite dark. But the outside is beautiful up close and far away. Even the idea of being at the Taj Mahal - this place that was built over 400 years ago and took 22 years to build in total - left me mostly speechless :-)

The entrance gate to the main attraction. It was very beautiful on its own!

As you walk towards the entrance, the anticipation increases...

Almost in full sight...

There it is!!

A view back at the entrance gate from a platform that holds the Lady Diana bench

SHADE! Sweet relief from the heat

One of the two buildings that flank the Taj Mahal

The interesting part, for me, about the Taj Mahal is the amount of work that went into building this place. Not only is it almost entirely symmetrical in every way, every single fleck of color in that white marble is in-laid by hand with gemstones. The Arabic that surrounds most of the arches of the building were created with pieces of black onyx

Our director, Mark, hired a tour guide for the trip around Agra and after visiting the Taj Mahal, the tour guide took us to a nice restaurant for lunch, followed by a few stops at some shops that create similar artwork found in the Taj. The first shop dealt with marble artwork in-laid with gemstones and jewels. The amount of time and hard work that goes into the smallest item is incredible. The coaster below includes more than 40 individual pieces of gemstones that are cut to size manually by the men who do this trade for a living. One 4 foot diameter table with probably about 50-75 of these flowers on it will take a team of men about 8-9 months to complete. One table top - three men - 9 months of work. Incredible!

After lunch and all the handicraft shops, we stopped by Agra's Red Fort. Unfortunately, I had quite a headache from the heat and sun so I stayed in the van with Fima while the other 3 people in our group went inside Red Fort. It didn't take long for Agra's most needy people to approach the van and ask for money; in less than one hour, we likely saw 6-8 different kids or women. This is the most difficult thing to see in India, by far. I have acclimated to the cows, the pigs, the trash, the crowds, the lack of English in most places, the spicy foods but these faces - I'm not sure I have ever felt so helpless in my life. But...that is a post all of its own.

Once the visit to Red Fort was finished, we made our way out of Agra and back to Gurgaon. I thought riding in a car with an Indian driver during the day was nerve-racking; night rides are terrifying! I trust these guys - it's their job to drive everywhere - but it doesn't keep me from getting carsick or jumpy when we drive just a little too close to a family of five on one motorcycle.

That's right - a family of FIVE on ONE motorcycle. You won't believe it unless you see it. In one instance, the mother sat on the very back with her infant bouncing in one arm as she held onto the bike with her other hand. I couldn't help but think about all of the side airbags and expensive carseats and helmets that are abundantly available in the U.S. And yet, this is normal everyday life for millions of people here. It makes the cramped car rides in my dad's single cab truck with the whole family seem like a cakewalk.

 Kids playing cricket - if there's an empty field, people are playing cricket!

So, that's it for Agra and the Taj Mahal. I hope you enjoy the pictures! I will follow up this post with another about the many visits I've made to Delhi in the last few weeks.

Love you all!

Agra and Taj Mahal Preview!

Training has really ramped up over the last week or so and I don't have as much time to do blog updates at the moment but I promise to make time this weekend. That being said, I have a few pictures for a little preview of our fun in Agra to see the Taj Mahal.

And it happened...

I got the sick stomach. Boo!

Granted, it could be much much worse. I'm mostly dealing with stomach cramps, "washroom issues" and absolutely no desire to eat a real meal. My diet for the last 72 hours consists solely of bottled water, Clif bars, raw almonds, honey Teddy Grahams and cheddar flavor rice snacks - all items from home.

I felt very confident (first mistake!) after my second or third day here - I had tried various cuisines and successfully avoided any sign of an upset stomach. I got adventurous my first day in the office for training (second mistake!) and tried a cheese and mushroom panini with a small iced latte. Whoops! I think that's what set this off. That, or the ravioli from the hotel that had tons of black pepper in it. I'm not sure which is the real culprit.

In any case, I am looking for a straw to sink into my bottle of Pepto Bismol. Everyone is very accommodating and wants to help; constant offers of medicines or "safe" meals are offered, though at this point, I am not sure there is a safe food for my current state. I promised I would try some Domino's pizza tomorrow for lunch so pray I am able to eat by then! I had an Indian-style grilled cheese for lunch today; while it tasted delicious, I think it only irritated my stomach more. For my American friends, try adding diced tomato and onion along with a soft cheese - maybe monterey jack - for a grilled cheese. It's delicious!

Other than my gastro news (you are so lucky for reading, right?), most everything else is going well. The training is coming along nicely, especially after today's session. I gave the class their first glance at a real-life questionnaire and what they will be working with on a daily basis. Whereas the questions about Days 1 and 2 were difficult to pull out from the crowd, now there are a great amount of questions. A general sense of wanting to discover the purpose behind why clients do the things they do for research is bubbling up. I love it!

The rides between the hotel and the office hypnotize me. I sit wide eyed every time! I wish I was brave enough to bring out my camera to share this with you all; I do not want to be rude or being "touristy" though I will likely succumb soon :-) Let me tell you this - the people of India are about the nicest people I have ever encountered. Ever!

Several people have asked about the flight here and my sleep schedule switching over to local time. It's been a real challenge. I would not suggest a 15-hour flight to anyone! Ack! It was difficult for me, I will just say that.

My sleep schedule has not acclimated just yet - it's only been 6 days. This week, I leave my hotel at 7:15am (8:45pm CST) to be at the office before 8am. I get back to the hotel around 3pm (4:30am CST) and most days I sleep right away, missing dinner and waking up again around 11pm or midnight. I then do some training prep for a few hours and sleep for 1-3 hours before waking up around 6am for the new day. Of course, today that schedule worked great, I feel very rested but my training schedule changes next week to 3pm-10pm so I will have to adjust all over again!

I must work on some more materials before 6am comes to soon; it is 3am right now and I am wide awake.

Until next time - cheers!

Stoplights

I'll keep this one brief - I'm so busy building decks for training this week! The team members here are very well prepared for our time in India, so we blew through my first two days of training in just one day!

I had my first "unpleasant" experience at a stoplight today. When I say unpleasant, please do not hear me saying annoying, irritating, frustrating, etc. I say unpleasant - for lack of a better word - because my conscience and heart hurt a little after pulling away.

I was picked up by our private driver for the trip back to the hotel from the office. It is a brief trip, maybe 15-20 minutes, though I am probably underestimating it. My eyes fly wide open as I try to take in everything going on around me during every car or rickshaw ride. For an observer like me, I have been overstimulated constantly the last few days!

Anyhow, the driver picked me up in the late afternoon so we hit a bit of traffic on our way to the hotel. When sitting quite awhile at a stoplight with cars all around us, a young boy caught my eyes and as soon as he caught mine, he appeared at my car door.

Let me say that I was prepared for this scenario. I knew to expect young kids asking for money and being rather persistent about it. This was my first bout with it, though, and it is still fresh on my mind.

Even back home, I have a hard time with not desiring to empty my wallet for people just like this boy. Do I empty my wallet every time? No. Do I give cash away when I have it at times? Yes, absolutely. Did I do that today? No.

Without becoming too philosophical about the entire subject, I will simply say that I am torn in both ways. There are many people in need, not just in India but everywhere really. What do you do in these situations? There are many scams that I could be too naive to see because my judgment is clouded by my emotions. Should that really matter though? What is the difference between the smiling Indian boy and the scraggly old man in Dallas?

I want to have open hands/be generous AND I want to be responsible. Should a line be drawn here? I'm not sure.

So, anyway, those are some thoughts rolling through my mind here at almost midnight. Those thoughts and that big, toothy grin accompanied by the persistent window-knocking and "ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am".