In the temple

There are tiny tastes of heaven here on earth.

These tastes stir up a longing for much more than this world can offer. C.S. Lewis said, "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." This is a clear call to heaven. I don't even need to bring up my faith here to get the point across - it's why we climb mountains and love babies and visit museums and murmur "yummm" after a full mouth of delicious food. It's what pushes us forward into the next thing, and then the next, and so on; we're always searching for more.

Of course, these experiences vary greatly as the measure is subjective but you know this feeling, don't you? You've encountered some event, person, or thing that leaves you with an unfulfilled feeling deep down in your gut. And they're not always good, these things. Sometimes, it's the fierce hope for an end to the madness of sorrow. Cancer sucks. Sex-trafficking (should) make us groan for an end. Addiction stirs the belly up into chaos and the never-ending "more". Death sweeps in and turns up so much, "But why?"

Standing to sing in the church service one night, I felt the need for this other world. The days are flying by lately, all for fantastically wonderful reasons; nevertheless, I was tired. My physical and mental limits became apparent as we sang because my mind, body, and heart were just not in it. I don't like this feeling and didn't wait long to ask the One who sings over me to give me words to sing back. Almost instantly, I could hear, "I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple." Isaiah 6 is a longtime favorite of mine and an awe-inspiring scene.

The first time I heard a friend express her hunger for heaven, I didn't get it. "Wait, you want to die? Now?" It was foreign to me as a baby in the faith. Here in the recounting of Isaiah's vision and commission, though, the awful glory of the Lord is on display before the prophet. This weight of glory and thoughts of the eternal display of God's glory in heaven woke me up. All of a sudden, I knew what my friend hungered for.

While the music played and people sang along, I pulled out my bible and read the Isaiah account. Before I see the words, I know what is coming next. Isaiah proclaims, "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!"

Isaiah didn't mince words; he knew his state well and felt the weight of God's glory before him, spread wide with the robe and the hosts of heaven shouting praises in heaven. I read through Isaiah's confession of unworthiness, the angels' "Holy Holy Holy!", the burning coals to lips, and land exactly where I need to be...

"And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.” (Isaiah 6:7)

This is incredible. God did not leave Isaiah (or us now) crying, "Woe is me! I am a child of unclean lips...for my eyes have seen the King...!" The angels touch the burning coal - the purifying agent - to Isaiah's lips and his guilt is gone; his sin atoned for.

Isaiah's humility and God's gracious atonement moved deep within me that night. I tasted the smoke in the air while standing there and once again, my "Woe is me!" turns to "Here I am! Send me." No longer was I stiff and unbending during the worship happening around me; instead, I saw the room full of His robe and felt the flutter of air from angels' wings as I joined in with, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!" I longed for heaven afresh!

My hope is to always have Isaiah's temple experience in my mind as I face sorrows and joys too great to handle. God equipped Isaiah to do a great, difficult thing in his time and it's beneficial to see ourselves in a similar place. We can choose to let our earthly need for more terminate on ourselves; or, we can recall the removed guilt and atoned sin as we raise up our hands or lay on our faces and cry, "Here I am! Send me."

Maranatha!

Anything

(I wrote this to one of my sisters from a different mister and I felt like it needed to be posted here too)

I was thinking deeper with this quote last night and had just a few thoughts floating around as a result.

"I will do anything not to die here. I want to live and not die." 

(Jen Wilkin in the Women's Bible Study at my church)

The word "live" here has so many meanings to me beyond the obvious. To live equals not dying. And I don't think of just a physical death (though it's not excluded from that meaning here) but also, I think of it as the death of dreams-to-be-fulfilled; death of who I really am inside that is hidden behind depression, self-hate, insecurity and hopelessness; death of what I could be but choose not to be by not fighting sin; death of real joy, even happiness on some levels; death of the experience of real, honest-to-goodness freedom; death of a deer-panting-for-water type of relationship with Jesus. So, therefore, since "to live" means that these things (and I) don't have to die, then "to live" means it won't be my hand that causes my body to wither away; I am free to be me because I don't bow to fear, insecurity, depression anymore; I can actually dream (!!) instead of killing my dreams when I am crippled by my sin and am hopeless; my self-imposed, closed doors to my future potential are now open; I can finally experience more than fleeting happiness but abiding joy (it's a real thing that I didn't think existed for a long time); and best of all, I get to have a relationship with Jesus that isn't a yoke but a delight.

All of this because first, I have said "I will do anything not to die here." Jen called it a "ruthless determination" to fight sin. It makes me think of a popular sermon jam with Piper. Holy smokes, it's powerful.

The quote is also indicative of how I've had to force myself to think about the sin I find myself in with the biggest, longest living idols in my life. It sticks with me because I prayed (and still do) a lot that God wouldn't turn me over to my sin, i.e. what I desired more than Him. I told Him that I needed Him to be my rescue, literally pulling me away from my sin and my selfish tendencies with whatever means was necessary. He's been faithful in this time and time again; my lust for these things still rages on and I still fail a lot but the heart-positioning that is the foundation of this quote is what I have to pursue over and over - every single day. It doesn't come natural but it's possible if I'll just ask for it every single day. I don't want to live to be a slave, I want to live to be free. Free.

Stretched Thin

Yep, that's me right now - stretched thin. So, as much as I want to write all sorts of posts on here, I am going to stick to silence for now except for a few Songs To Sing posts. I'm always listening to music and often, the music that pierces me most is what I desperately need to hear at that time.

"To The God of Victory" was the last post in the Songs To Sing series. I need to believe God is victorious right now; I'm struggling with that truth.

My next STS post will be "A Mighty Fortress" by Christy Nockels. Does this woman have a direct line to knowing my fears, struggles and needs? Her lyrics kill me (in a good way). We sang this song at church on Sunday and it was a sweet reminder to my spirit; I love my church.

Much love to all of my friends & family that click when a new post comes across. I miss blogging, I just don't have the energy for it right now. There's too much to say and I would get no work done at the office if I tried to blog during lunch.

I'm being moved by Zephaniah 3:16-17 right now; I hope it speaks to you too.

“On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
Fear not, O Zion;
let not your hands grow weak.
17 The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

Much love,
Ang

An attempt at posting routinely again

So much has happened since I blogged for real that I'm now overwhelmed with how much I would have to say to get up-to-date. Instead, I'm just going to post some more bullets (you Type A's are already salivating) and hope that it'll catch us up in the meantime, Blogworld.

(And, in case you are pounding your desk, demanding the series on organic and natural foods that I promised two months ago, well....you're just going to have to wait!)

• Did I tell y'all that one of my sisters, Jessica, is living with me? Since last Thanksgiving. Oh my, what an adventure! Iron sharpening iron is no joke, y'all! It's been awesome (and no, I'm not being sarcastic). Follow her on Twitter, she's a hoot.
• My 3-year anniversary at my company, e-Rewards, is coming up! Yippee! April 16th (and NOT April 24th as the HR department will have you believe) marks three years...I can't believe how fast it's gone by.
• I started and quit a Biblical Counseling class at my church. It was slated for 26 weeks and and I quit around week 10 - bullet #1 was a bit unexpected so my schedule is all wacky with being Jess's unofficial chaffeur. I don't mind though! There's a season for everything.
• The Dallas Northway campus of The Village Church launched in September 2009 and I switched to it from the Highland Village campus at the same time. TVC is growing faster than we can add buildings and services, y'all! It's crazy! Like Matt says, "We love being ghetto." Bring on the cramped spaces and parking hassles if it means more of the Lord for his children!
• My cousin, Amy, got engaged just before Christmas and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I am STOKED! Mostly because I've been praying for her a husband since we got close back in late 2007 (prayers answered are awesome!), but secretly, I'm also excited because I get to wear a green dress (click on 'Pistachio'). This girl could not be happier!
• Beth Moore's Believing God study is kicking my butt and I'm only in week one. Pray for me!
• I get to serve some ladies in just three weeks at a Christian retreat called North Texas Tres Dias. I'm thrilled at the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus, even if in just a small way for three days.
• Beautiful flowers currently bedeck my patio at home - I planted some bright red geraniums, white bacopa (amazing trailing flower, by the way), yellow Gerbera daisies, violet pansies, dusty miller plants and some cute purple alyssum. Jess got a boston fern at Kroger for $10 and our patio jungle is now complete. My grandma's miniature pink rose bush is coming along beautifully too.
• I signed up for eHarmony (ssshhhhh! Don't tell anyone!) and am sorely disappointed thus far. Whether that's the result of a pride issue or just the circumstances, I have yet to determine. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's just my disproportionate expectations. Who knows (yet)! After watching Becoming Jane on Saturday and crying my eyes out, I'm convinced I'll be single for life like Jane Austen, determined to "live by the pen" (or in my case, the computer keyboard).
• I've felt rather melodramatic lately. Is it obvious? If not, please read previous bullet.
• I'm ready for the summer season to come but I'm enjoying the 70-degree weather just fine too.
• Houston, instead of Hot Springs, may be our girls' trip destination this summer. I'm rather excited and am on the hunt for fun things to do! Give me a shout in the comments if you have any tips.
• The BFFie and I are going to the theater to see Remember Me tomorrow night. I swore I would not see this movie after seeing the trailer because it looks like just another romance and I don't think I can take it after Saturday's debacle with Becoming Jane. But - I've heard the film's not what it seems, so I'm taking a risk. If the people who convinced me to see this film are wrong, there will be payback from me in the form of salty wet tissues afterwards. I know it's gross; and they'll deserve it.

I think that's enough for now; I stayed at the office later than I needed to just to make sure I got this out for you, Blogworld. See? I'm trying to make a comeback!

Peace & peas,
Ang

It's been awhile, I know!

A lot has happened, internally, over the last two weeks since my previous blog. I'm not sure I can really put it into readable and interesting words. Here are some summary points though :)

~Realized I have a victim mentality
~Convicted again of the ways I spend my money (hint: I love me!)
~Had a break-through in my inventory and am nearly done
~Went recluse for a few days
~Attended church service twice in one week (needed it badly)
~Had UH-mazing conversations with friends
~Started home group again!
~Prayed
~Convicted that I do not believe the Cross is sufficient
~Began daily Bible study again - this is good for me
~Was shown that I am very, very talented at self-loathing
~Repented (and continue to repent daily) for self-loathing
~Received mercy
~Blown away by the "little things" that my eyes are open to again
~Prayed some more

That's the best I can do, blog world. Thanks for understanding my weakness AND my desire to be known.

;) peace

Learning from kindergartners

Life can be complicated.

Between work, school, ministry, family, friends, socializing, community service, and let's not forget - alone time! - my days can feel like they've flown by in a flurry. I sometimes start the day tired and end it quite energized, and vice versa. I'm a natural night owl... no doubt you'll see posts on here at all times of the night. Relationships take SO much effort to build and nurture and maintain. Family requires quality time, church ministry goes far beyond Sunday morning, and work occasionally extends to 8pm on a Friday night.

Yet, life really is simple.

This lesson is one that I'm learning with much thanks to a small group of kindergartners who, without realizing it, are opening my eyes to the simplicity of my life. Or rather - the simplicity of my purpose.

To love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength.

I complicate things when I try to create lists of ways to express this love or determine some criteria of which I can compare my current state to see if I've finally succeeded. This always leads to disappointment because I cannot attain it. It's not possible. My sweet friend Lauren said something poignant tonight: we won't be able to fully comprehend grace, or live completely 24/7 in acceptance of grace, this side of Heaven. My flesh will flair up and all over again, my soul and flesh will battle over who will take control in whatever events come my way.

I must confess that too often, my flesh responds first. I bite back in angry, I tremble with anxiousness, I mope around with discontentment, I manipulate to see my way is the way. Which brings me to my current state: I'm finally learning to slay my flesh in these crazy moments and instead, turn to Him where my soul finds peace, rest, satisfaction and answers.

To this end, I pray "Lord, lead me to the cross." My spirit was engaged for the first time in quite awhile when at church during Venture2, the song by the same name was sung. It's by Hillsong United and is on the All of the Above cd from 2007. I want to seek Him first, I want my heart to burn with desire for His plan for my life, I want to see Him glorified in my daily life as well as my relationships with friends and family. The question is: do I want these things enough to fight this battle every day? Because that is what it will take. And really, it will require more than just starting my day this way, but also denying myself everytime an opportunity pops up when I have to choose between what would satisfy me here and now and what will bring a much better reward in the future.

So, if I may request it, please pray for me. I am a rule-follower, through and through. I don't fully believe grace exists for me and therefore, have a difficult time giving grace or even believing it's available for others as well. I am that wretch.

Until next time,
Maranatha



p.s. A fun picture (can you guess which one is me?!) ...

Great night @ Venture 2.0

Happy Thursday!

Actually, my Thursday is no longer happy. I just received an email from the president of my company, eRewards, saying that tomorrow is an extended business casual wear day. BOO!!!!! I mostly wear laid-back clothing, nothing too fancy. I'm not a slouch; I can always dress up and get my hair did for a night out. However, I have had to build a new wardrobe working at my office. I never wore business casual before! Therefore, I look forward to jeans day on Fridays at my office and I don't mean I look forward to it when I get up that Friday morning. When I'm half way though my day on MONDAY, I'm thinking about jeans Friday.

So, my Thursday is not longer happy.

That is why I'm grateful that I had a nice time at Venture2 last night. It was the first time that I was there without my sweet home group buddies, but I liked it. Kim's friends were there, so I joined up with them for the prayer times. We joined together as a church to pray for other churches in our city, mainly for peace and unification among us all. At least, that's what I prayed the most for. It's always nice to meet up outside of the usual church service to petition Him for His grace and goodness in our lives.

I followed up Venture2 by swinging by Kim's new place (she painted her living room green - my favorite!) and we watched a few episodes of The Office. Amazing!

Anyhow, I'm at the workplace right now, getting my project management on... will update later tonight :)