In the temple

There are tiny tastes of heaven here on earth.

These tastes stir up a longing for much more than this world can offer. C.S. Lewis said, "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." This is a clear call to heaven. I don't even need to bring up my faith here to get the point across - it's why we climb mountains and love babies and visit museums and murmur "yummm" after a full mouth of delicious food. It's what pushes us forward into the next thing, and then the next, and so on; we're always searching for more.

Of course, these experiences vary greatly as the measure is subjective but you know this feeling, don't you? You've encountered some event, person, or thing that leaves you with an unfulfilled feeling deep down in your gut. And they're not always good, these things. Sometimes, it's the fierce hope for an end to the madness of sorrow. Cancer sucks. Sex-trafficking (should) make us groan for an end. Addiction stirs the belly up into chaos and the never-ending "more". Death sweeps in and turns up so much, "But why?"

Standing to sing in the church service one night, I felt the need for this other world. The days are flying by lately, all for fantastically wonderful reasons; nevertheless, I was tired. My physical and mental limits became apparent as we sang because my mind, body, and heart were just not in it. I don't like this feeling and didn't wait long to ask the One who sings over me to give me words to sing back. Almost instantly, I could hear, "I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple." Isaiah 6 is a longtime favorite of mine and an awe-inspiring scene.

The first time I heard a friend express her hunger for heaven, I didn't get it. "Wait, you want to die? Now?" It was foreign to me as a baby in the faith. Here in the recounting of Isaiah's vision and commission, though, the awful glory of the Lord is on display before the prophet. This weight of glory and thoughts of the eternal display of God's glory in heaven woke me up. All of a sudden, I knew what my friend hungered for.

While the music played and people sang along, I pulled out my bible and read the Isaiah account. Before I see the words, I know what is coming next. Isaiah proclaims, "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!"

Isaiah didn't mince words; he knew his state well and felt the weight of God's glory before him, spread wide with the robe and the hosts of heaven shouting praises in heaven. I read through Isaiah's confession of unworthiness, the angels' "Holy Holy Holy!", the burning coals to lips, and land exactly where I need to be...

"And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.” (Isaiah 6:7)

This is incredible. God did not leave Isaiah (or us now) crying, "Woe is me! I am a child of unclean lips...for my eyes have seen the King...!" The angels touch the burning coal - the purifying agent - to Isaiah's lips and his guilt is gone; his sin atoned for.

Isaiah's humility and God's gracious atonement moved deep within me that night. I tasted the smoke in the air while standing there and once again, my "Woe is me!" turns to "Here I am! Send me." No longer was I stiff and unbending during the worship happening around me; instead, I saw the room full of His robe and felt the flutter of air from angels' wings as I joined in with, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!" I longed for heaven afresh!

My hope is to always have Isaiah's temple experience in my mind as I face sorrows and joys too great to handle. God equipped Isaiah to do a great, difficult thing in his time and it's beneficial to see ourselves in a similar place. We can choose to let our earthly need for more terminate on ourselves; or, we can recall the removed guilt and atoned sin as we raise up our hands or lay on our faces and cry, "Here I am! Send me."

Maranatha!

{Songs to Sing}: I Shall Not Want

Audrey's last two albums have been on repeat everywhere I go for the last 3 weeks; in the car, getting ready in the morning, at my desk. I might highlight another song of hers in the near future but this was the first to really reach down in me, stirring up a sweet need.

A lot of us would say to God, "Please deliver me from [a grievous sin]" but how often do you pray for God to save you from the need to be understood or right? Goodness, that has been a long-time prayer of mine; this girl has long loved getting her way (though much work has been done in me here).

I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me, O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me, O God
Deliver me, O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me, O God
Deliver me, O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

No, I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

*You can also check out some of Audrey's music on Noisetrade and of course, Amazon. It's all so good!

A giver-upper in a do-or-die world

Wow, I can hardly believe it's been eight months since I last posted *anything* on this here blog. About a year ago, life changed quite a bit for me, so much that I feared life would not be normal again. Alas, normalcy reappeared, and here I am post-summer, with excitement for the upcoming heat relief and all that a new year will bring.

I wrote about my ongoing battle to fight overeating and losing weight almost two years ago. Many of the heart issues and struggles described then are still present today, though in much smaller ways. I don't obsess about food the way I have historically; I've made some drastic changes to my activity level; I'm eating almost entirely primal/paleo-style (no grains, no dairy, no sugar, no legumes); and most importantly, I continue to see the scale drop and the clothing loosen up. It's a great feeling!

Just before the cool air blows through in North Texas, though, I have started to hear the doubts, fears, and lies trickle in slowly. I celebrated 22 pounds lost last week, a great achievement in just under three months; what an exhilarating experience! I'm currently the smallest, healthiest, and strongest version of me that I've been in at least 7 years. Truly, maybe longer than that short span.

But after sharing the news with my best supporters, I start to hear the doubts creep in: "It's really not that much, you still have so far to go." Ouch, that popped my bubble for sure. Then, not long after that slam, I hear: "You are going to gain it all back." AH! I had a dream where I was standing on my bathroom scale and watching the numbers increase up and up back to my original weight. That'll get a girl's heart rate up first thing in the morning! The big lie came just a few days ago: "Try all you will, you'll never be skinny/pretty/thin/strong enough for any man." What a way to cut a single girl's heart deep.

I recognize these doubts, fears, and lies very plainly. I live in community with other believers and a strong family support system that won't let me believe that crap. Thank the great Lion of Judah for them!

You know what's in my heart, though? The desire to believe those ridiculous statements and to feel justified if/when I give up on all the hard work. Confession, y'all: I'm a chronic giver-upper in many ways.

I don't think an outsider, or even someone in that strange group of "not quite a friend, not quite a stranger" people would say I give up on things. My career is not exactly what I initially dreamed up, but it's a wonderful position at a very successful company. Six and half years and counting...it all seems great!

My family's idea of me consists mostly of a girl that has worked hard to get through school and extracurriculars, only to come out of the other side with a great job and a few awesome traveling experiences under my belt. Those things aren't untrue, they're just not the full picture.

Those with the greatest insight into the real Angela are also the ones who show the greatest grace. My best friends and my sisters have seen the side of me that many don't, and thank God that they have stuck with me through it. The truth remains: I am a giver-upper.

The list of failed projects could go on for days and I won't waste your time with it. My sweet sister watched me cycle through many aspirations while we lived together; I had the boxes of half-made crafts and unread books to tell the story well enough. She shed some light on the problem, persuaded me to let go of possessions that might have meant more to me if I had done anything useful with them. Diets, workout plans, volunteering with causes, rigid daily devotional plans, this blog...all half-done and with no motivation or desire to return to them.

This is an echo of a much deeper character flaw of mine: I'm looking for the thrill of a challenge, but struggle to keep up in the day-to-day rhythm of consistent work.

Fear grips me when my mind wonders long enough to imagine all the ways this will wreck my life: giving up on the hard workouts after my six-month plan is up at the end of the year. Marriage, kids, making and keeping a home, pushing through the dry days as I seek to feed my soul. My days of self-apathy are far away, but it too echoes every once in awhile, "You don't deserve those things. You will fail and disappoint so many."

This is where my sweet friend Jesus steps onto the scene, and puts those lies and fears to shame. He's unfolding an epic story that he's asked me to play a part in, and won't have me waddling in failure and fear. He calls me out of the desert and to the river of Living Water. He alone quenches my longing for thrill and adventure when he says:

But you, Israel, my servant,

Jacob, whom I have chosen,

the offspring of Abraham, my friend;

you whom I took from the ends of the earth,

and called from its farthest corners,

saying to you, “You are my servant,

I have chosen you and not cast you off”;

fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

(Isaiah 41:8-10)

The most lovely words a giver-upper can hear, when humbled before the Lord with hands full of failure and lack of resolve: "I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

When those lies sneak in, or I'm tempted with my own desire to give up, or when someone unintentionally tempts me to cave, I wave this banner of truth in my mind: the Creator took us from the ends of the earth and called us His. He has not cast us off, when that's what we deserve. He promises to strengthen, help, and uphold us through every detail of His epic. 

I can't wait to see the story unfold.

A Downsized Life

I started a different post with a different tone but realized I was trying too hard to be eloquent, which kind of defeats the purpose of these thoughts. Stay with me...

I came back from India in the summer of 2011 promising myself that I would simplify my life. I saw and experienced some powerful things in India and I didn't want to forsake those experiences by returning to status quo. I remember talking to a sweet friend, half-way around the world at the time, using the amazing technology of the internet. She asked how I was doing, how was I dealing with life in India. I vividly recall the honesty of my yearning, "I can't wait to go home but I'm so afraid to be home."

If you've traveled much out of the U.S. - particularly to developing or third world countries - you might relate with the sentiment. I was so eager to get home to my bed; to the arms of my friends, family, and church family; to my quick grocery store trips for fresh fruits and vegetables; to eat some dang meat without worrying about food poisoning!

Fear crept in, though, after I realized that I lived so selfishly and so comfortably at home without a care at all about the world just a flight (or three) away. The comfortable life, or the American dream, or whatever name you give it, is a very common yet rarely questioned concept in the West. I couldn't see it for myself until I stepped away to live a different life; as short as that time was, it marked me. Whatever it was I worked so hard to achieve back home was not panning out too well. I didn't know how to fix it but I knew something had to give.

Disclaimer: I'm not knocking tradition, or the reward of hard work, or the desire to continue a growing legacy just like your parents or my parents did before us. Depending on what mood I'm in when you ask, I'm either the revolutionary that declares, "Always question status quo!" or the wanna-be-homemaker that reminds, "Hold tight to traditions and the family life!" I lean much more revolutionary in thought, homemaker in action, and I'm still evolving. (end of disclaimer)

India - and my sweet Father God working amidst it - showed me that I had created a way of life that was not for me. I was afraid to go home to complacency, comfort, gluttony, and selfish ambitions. I didn't want to face the bills, the closet full of clothes, the full refrigerator and endless product options. I didn't want to forgot how ashamed I was to stay in a four-star hotel while looking out my patio door at a family huddled in a shamble of a brick hut.

Where exactly did this all come from? Not my family. Not my friends. Not my church or a documentary or a TV commercial with Sarah McLachlen music. I have spent hours talking to my dear ones about these desires that seem so alien and yet so real. I haven't copied or created my own version of someone else's life (at least, not to my knowledge). Yet my good God is teaching me that this life is not my own.

18 months later, one more trip to my country away from home, and many failed attempts to simplify: I find myself weighed down by this life again. Very little has changed externally while my heart and mind have transformed dramatically. My home, my comings-and-goings, my checkbook...they don't portray the internal change. The resulting tension (some may call it hypocrisy) hasn't made for a joyous season and it's time to reconcile the two for real, for real.

Grief has been a constant companion for the last four or five months; when she settled in, she decided to stay as long as she wanted and I learned to not boss her. Instead, tears and anxiety and anger have taken me to the arms of my Comforter over and over again. As Grief packs her bags, I hear the old challenge to lay down my life so that I might find it again. It's not a one-and-done kind of thing, but a daily repositioning of the heart that is prone to wander far from the grace of God.

A sister in Christ wrote a wonderful post that challenged me last fall and a post from Donald Miller today got my wheels turning again. Don so eloquently phrased the life I want to live but had never taken the time to write down for myself. The means look different but the end is the same:

• Connecting with people I love each day
• Having a healthy routine
• Getting sleep and taking a sabbath
• Working on a meaningful project
• Giving generously to the people around me
• Being wise with my finances
• Having some sort of artistic creative expression in my life
• Having a long-term vision for my life
(emphasis mine)

I thought this would be a quick post where I could point you to Don's post, and Lore's post, say a few things and sign off. I guess when the heart pours out, it pours and you don't plug it up.

Will you do me a favor? Keep me accountable to these things. In my post-gone-bad, I waned on about how when I decide to do something new, I jump in full force. It's not a terrible trait - it's served me well professionally - but for a life overhaul, I'm pretty sure one change at a time is easier to swallow. Some of the changes that need to happen will hurt, and I'll question if I really need to follow through, or I'll think I'm further along than I really am. Ask me about my progress when you see me. If there is anything I really know it's that lasting change relies solely on the work of the Holy Spirit, so pray with me and for me that I would die to selfish motives and live for Christ.

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."
(Philippians 3:7-11 ESV)

{Songs to Sing}: The Prodigal

The Prodigal by Sovereign Grace Music
Written by Meghan Baird & Ryan Baird

You held out Your arms, I walked away
Insolent, I spurned Your face
Squandering the gifts You gave to me
Holding close forbidden things
Destitute, a rebel still, a fool in all my pride
The world I once enjoyed is death to me
No joy, no hope, no life

Where now are the friends that I had bought
Gone with every penny lost
What hope could there be for such as I
Sold out to a world of lies
Oh to see Your face again, it seems so distant now
Could it be that You would take me back
A servant in Your house

You held out Your arms, I see them still
You never left, You never will
Running to embrace me, now I know
Your cords of love will always hold
Mercy’s robe, a ring of grace
Such favor undeserved
You sing over me and celebrate
The rebel now Your child

{Songs to Sing}: My All In Thee

My All In Thee by Young Oceans

When gracious Lord, when shall it be
That earth will find her all in Thee?
The fullness of Thy promise, prove
Seal me with Thy eternal love

Thee only Thee I’m fain to find
I cast the world and sin behind
O my Redeemer, hear this plea
And let me find my all in Thee

Show me Your Way, my love, my Lord
Draw me to grace, so strong and sure
I run to Your mercy, where I am free
Let me find my all in Thee


Lord I am blind, be Thou my sight
Lord I am weak, be Thou my might
A helper of the helpless be
And let me find my all in Thee

Please mend my soul, my frame, my life
A contrite heart, Thou won’t despise
Take now this pain and misery
And let me find my all in Thee

*Check out Young Oceans via their website, BandCamp, iTunes, or Amazon.

{Songs to Sing}: Into The Glorious

Into the Glorious
by Christy Nockels

I was made for more than this world could offer me
My heart to hold true mystery
And my voice was made to fall on holy ears
My life to collide with majesty

Out from the ordinary into extraordinary

This is a heart-cry for my life
To say I love you, Lord, I love you
So take me deeper, Oh
I can hear You calling, inviting me in
Into the glorious

I was made for rest in a world that's striving
To lie down in the fields of green, oh
To set my feet upon this holy ground
To build my life on the things unseen

Out from the ordinary into extraordinary

This is a heart-cry for my life
To say I love you, Lord, I love you
So take me deeper, Oh
I can hear You calling, inviting me in
Into the glorious

Out from the ordinary into extraordinary
You're calling me, You're calling me
And God it's a breakthrough
Now I can see You inviting me, inviting me

And this is a heart-cry for my life
To say I love you, God, I love you
So take me deeper, oh
I can hear You calling, inviting me in
Into the glorious

{Songs to Sing}: In Feast or Fallow

*This song is on repeat in my head, in my car, in my earbuds at work...you get the picture. Whether it's feasting time or we are stumbling over fallow ground, may we rest in Jesus Christ - our lot, our cup, our portion, our only chance to endure.

In Feast or Fallow
By Sandra McCracken

When the fields are dry, and the winter is long
Blessed are the meek, the hungry, the poor
When my soul is downcast, and my voice has no song
For mercy, for comfort, I wait on the Lord

In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure

On a cross of wood, His blood was outpoured
He Rose from the ground, like a bird to the sky
Bringing peace to our violence, and crushing death’s door
Our Maker incarnate, our God who provides

In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure

When the earth beneath me crumbles and quakes
Not a sparrow falls, nor a hair from my head
Without His hand to guide me, my shield and my strength
In joy or in sorrow, in life or in death

In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure

{Songs to Sing}: Sins Are Stones

*I highly recommend every bit of music by this guy that you can get your hands on. Medicine and Economy are both deep, rich, beautiful albums. 

Sins Are Stones by John Mark McMillan

All our sins are stones
At the bottom of your oceans
And all our filthy stains
Have been washed away

By the blood of a son
I have overcome the grave
By the blood of a son
I have overcome the grave
The grave

Recompense is made for
The guilty and the shamed
For eternity is gained
In the arms of the slain

By the blood of a son
I have overcome the grave
By the blood of a son
I have overcome the grave
The grave

Oh my soul
Praise him
Oh my soul

By the blood of a son
I have overcome the grave
By the blood of a son
I have overcome the grave
The grave
Oh my soul
Praise him
Oh my soul

A painful and beautiful journey

I call this a journey because I am the last person that wants to say "I've arrived, I've figured it out." I need a sign on my forehead that says "Work In Progress". With that said, I'm long overdue for some public confession.

For years, I've made food, instant gratification and every whim and desire that comes to mind my supreme focus. Not always consciously, that's true, but I'd be a liar if I said I made some choices without thinking twice. From a sociological standpoint, we can come up with tons of reasons (read: excuses) for this - the American culture, an abundance of resources, "living life to the fullest", tradition, "there's nothing wrong with it", "you're too hard on yourself", etc. For me, the truth is: I turn to food and satiety in its many forms for comfort, security, control and identity.

A few years ago, someone was speaking about responsibility and accountability for weaknesses in one's character and actions. The speaker pointed out many of our well-acquainted (and often, socially acceptable) reasons we give for not owning up to our failures; the list included the ones already mentioned and others like family/friend influence, upbringing, peer pressure, emotional instability. These are all rooted in the attitude of helplessness. Before I knew it, the breaking blow came out of the speaker's mouth - none of these (nor any others) are valid excuses for being a grown adult and feeding/growing in your character flaws. We were being challenged to own our failures and actions in the present; our destructive and irresponsible behaviors should (and could) no longer be blamed on anyone else.

It was an awakening. For the first time in my adult life, my heart and mind were open to the truth that I can make a conscious choice to not feed my flaws. It was also soul crushing for me. I felt utterly overwhelmed when I looked at the breadth of my destructive ways and I didn't trust in my strength to truly change. I knew I was weak and that it was my lack of strength that had always failed me.

Let me say this before going on any further: this isn't just about food. If you're reading this and think that's the case, please reconsider. It's possible that you're reading and we are not very well acquainted - oh the joys of facebook and the internets - but if we've had a conversation in the last 5-7 years, I'd like to think that you know I'm talking of much more than food issues. And as cheesy as it may sound - I would have rolled my eyes and sighed too at one point (oh how the proud fall) - I'm talking about the heart here. Your heart. My heart. Left to our own devices, we will ALWAYS choose comfort and satiety. That's the chief focus here and I'm begging you, don't disengage or shut down. Hear me out.

So, back to this journey I'm on. I was faced with my self destructive behaviors in full for the first time ever. I could see them for what they were and I was heartbroken. My excuses had been stripped away and I felt very raw, very bare to this new reality. I am the overachiever, the do-gooder, the A student, a proud firstborn. I don't fail, right?

Wrong.

I tell this story when people ask me what changed in regards to taking care of my physical self. Really, I know my thoughts and emotions were already being stirred up to see reality but it caught up with me one morning as I woke up. I looked over to the mirror on top of my dresser as I sat up in bed and I didn't recognize my reflection. I stared for a long time, trying to pick up any faint reminders of me and I couldn't. I was really scared and the heartbreak weighed heavy.

I don't know about others but the perfectionist firstborn thing plays both to my favor and my pain. When I fall, I want to pick myself up by my bootstraps, dust myself off and go. My sister said the other day, "when you decide something, you jump in head first." It's true and isn't something I'm ashamed of, really. I just don't always pick the best things to jump head first into and I'm woefully disappointed when I don't succeed. See! Favor and pain.

I woke up and knew things had to change. Through tons of interactions with others and plenty of self reflection, I finally correlated my unhealthy living with deep rooted excuses and lies I had bought into for years. I'm not sure I believe a person experiences true success with any physical change without experiencing emotional and spiritual change as well. In fact, I may someday argue that the emotional and spiritual change must occur first before anything. I may also come back and eat my words, too. Only time will tell.

The last 16-18 months have held plenty of success and failure. I've tried a crash diet, hardcore calorie tracking, USDA food guidelines (huge mistake, by the way), working out hard 5-6 days a week; I gave up trying to do anything for a short jaunt while in India thinking Indian food would prove healthier than my normal diet. It's mostly vegetarian, how could that hurt? (Side note: has anyone eaten paneer? As delicious as it is, it's not meant to be eaten everyday. Trust me and the 5-8 lbs I gained.) My pride has been tested to (what feels like) the extreme and that includes my insecurities and fears.

You know what, though? I've tasted the freedom of choice and it's what keeps me going. Even when I fall (and this happens often), I forcefully remind myself that I have a choice to make - death or life - and  I'm enabled to get back up again. I told a dear friend recently, when talking about what changed down deep: "I finally believe the promise of real joy is for me and I want to do everything I can to taste it. I was a slave to myself and my appetite. I want and choose joy today."

I wonder sometimes, "what would I be like today if I believed these things but I hadn't experienced any physical progress in the right direction? Would I persevere or would I retreat into old ways?" In all honesty, I don't have a solid answer to that question. I know I'd like it to be positive, that this change is much deeper than skin, but I'm not sure. Again, only time will tell.

If you're reading and identify with anything I've said, can I encourage you? You are more than your ideas about you and your life is meant to be much more than you think it is. I'm not talking about money, social success, the ideal weight, romance. I'm talking about the down deep you - you are meant for more than your ideas of what you should be. Haven't you asked it before? In the quiet, in the still moments when the noise fades, haven't you whispered or shouted it out to yourself? Maybe even hoping that someone would answer?

I have good news: there is someone to answer. Someone heard me when I was at my lowest, when I could barely form words to express the pain and regret. I know it is hard to believe; I've doubted it countless times and don't be surprised (I won't) when I'm found doubtful again. Someone values you much more than anyone or anything else in this world; someone hears you, even in your silence. You won't ever be able to fathom His care, His love for you and He doesn't expect you to. He only asks for you to come: "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." His name is Jesus Christ and He wants to give you rest right now.

The joy, the freedom, the ability to see, the strength to make a choice, that I can get up when I fall - it is only possible because I find my peace in Him. Don't try to clean yourself up first. Don't ignore the call until tomorrow. Don't believe that you've got too much baggage or that you're beyond the gifts of grace and mercy - that's a lie and only leads to more pain. Go to Him with your anger, your pain, your frustrations, your fears, your insecurities, your lusts, your hunger, your thirst. I promise that He will answer. And those ideas you've created about what your life is and can be will be trumped in painful but beautiful ways.

Choose joy. Join me on this journey

Anything

(I wrote this to one of my sisters from a different mister and I felt like it needed to be posted here too)

I was thinking deeper with this quote last night and had just a few thoughts floating around as a result.

"I will do anything not to die here. I want to live and not die." 

(Jen Wilkin in the Women's Bible Study at my church)

The word "live" here has so many meanings to me beyond the obvious. To live equals not dying. And I don't think of just a physical death (though it's not excluded from that meaning here) but also, I think of it as the death of dreams-to-be-fulfilled; death of who I really am inside that is hidden behind depression, self-hate, insecurity and hopelessness; death of what I could be but choose not to be by not fighting sin; death of real joy, even happiness on some levels; death of the experience of real, honest-to-goodness freedom; death of a deer-panting-for-water type of relationship with Jesus. So, therefore, since "to live" means that these things (and I) don't have to die, then "to live" means it won't be my hand that causes my body to wither away; I am free to be me because I don't bow to fear, insecurity, depression anymore; I can actually dream (!!) instead of killing my dreams when I am crippled by my sin and am hopeless; my self-imposed, closed doors to my future potential are now open; I can finally experience more than fleeting happiness but abiding joy (it's a real thing that I didn't think existed for a long time); and best of all, I get to have a relationship with Jesus that isn't a yoke but a delight.

All of this because first, I have said "I will do anything not to die here." Jen called it a "ruthless determination" to fight sin. It makes me think of a popular sermon jam with Piper. Holy smokes, it's powerful.

The quote is also indicative of how I've had to force myself to think about the sin I find myself in with the biggest, longest living idols in my life. It sticks with me because I prayed (and still do) a lot that God wouldn't turn me over to my sin, i.e. what I desired more than Him. I told Him that I needed Him to be my rescue, literally pulling me away from my sin and my selfish tendencies with whatever means was necessary. He's been faithful in this time and time again; my lust for these things still rages on and I still fail a lot but the heart-positioning that is the foundation of this quote is what I have to pursue over and over - every single day. It doesn't come natural but it's possible if I'll just ask for it every single day. I don't want to live to be a slave, I want to live to be free. Free.

Greatly loved

This is an excerpt from my go-to devotional year round. Even if I listed each example, you'd never believe how often I will randomly pull up that day's morning or evening entry and it speaks straight to an issue I am dealing with that day. I sat in church on Sunday morning after singing my medicine and asked my good friend, "Why? Why does He love us? How could He?" The Lord not only continually teaches me to trust in His love for me, He also asks me to step out of the trap of unbelief. Just as I'm asking "How? Why?", He shows that He loves me - loves me just where I am, questions and all - by leading me to a passage about His very nature. Unbelievable.

Evening

"...man greatly loved." - Daniel 10:11

Child of God, do you hesitate to appropriate this title? Has your unbelief made you forget that you are also greatly loved? Surely you must have been greatly loved, to have been bought with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot? When God crushed His only Son for you, what was this but being greatly loved? You lived in sin and rioted in it; surely you were greatly loved for God to have been so patient with you.You were called by grace and led to a Savior and made a child of God and an heir of heaven. Doesn't this all prove a very great and superabounding love? Since that time, whether your path has been rough with troubles or smooth with mercies, it has been full of proofs that you are greatly loved. If the Lord has chastened you, it was not in anger; if He has made you poor, still in grace you have been rich. The more unworthy you feel yourself to be, the more evidence you have that nothing but unspeakable love could have led the Lord Jesus to save a soul like yours. The more disapproval you feel, the clearer is the display of God's abounding love in choosing you and calling you and making you an heir of heaven. Now, if such love exists between God and us, let us live in the influence and sweetness of it and use the privilege of our position. We should not approach our Lord as though we are strangers or as though He were unwilling to hear us - for we are greatly loved by our loving Father. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"* Come boldly, believer, for despite the whispers of Satan and the doubts of your own heart, you are greatly loved. Meditate on the exceeding greatness and faithfulness of divine love this evening, and then go to your bed in peace.

*Romans 8:32
(emphasis added by me)

What a difference a year can make...

It wasn't but just over one year ago this month, I decided that it was time for a major change in that way that I ate, drank, stayed active, looked, etc. Inspired and encouraged by a few brave friends, I began the hard and long (thought it doesn't feel like it) process of shedding about 90-100lbs. I'm only half way done now but I can already look back in amazement at how out of control I had become.

It's a complicated battle...losing weight. Anyone who says that it's merely a physical, outward issue does not have their head screwed on right. There is no way I can combat my weight without digging down deep to figure out how I got so big in the first place. Lots of bad habits, plenty of negligence and ignorance, too much self-pity and pride...they all contributed to the problem.

I won't give you all the secrets to getting yourself together - if you're using the computer right now and watch TV at least every once in awhile, you know what steps you need to take to get it together. Instead, I'll just say this - love yourself enough to take care of yourself. It's not about physical looks, it's not about being a certain weight, it's not about being able to shop wherever you want - those are all nice and wonderful in their own way. It's about doing what is right and good and holy for your body. Stop making excuses and move. You'll never regret it, even when you're cursing Jillian Michaels/your trainer/the salad bar/the scale.

I'm only half way there but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I've already won my life back. Now, time to move....

(Left: "before" in August 2009 / Right: "half way done" in September 2011 / approx. 55-60lbs gone!)

Life in India - The People, part two

*Note: I meant to write this while still in India but life happened and I'm just posting it now. Thanks for understanding!

Last time I wrote about India, I talked about the people - in general - of that great nation. I didn't get a chance to really dig into my fun times with all of my teammates and the many others that I encountered on a regular basis. That's what I hope to do here - to recount more than just stories, but to express my deepest gratitude for hospitality beyond anything I've experienced to that point.

My business goal for the trip was to train a group of approximately 30 people on how to manage the Quality Assurance function of survey programming at my company. Seeing as I took the lead in refining the process internally over the last few years, I was asked to present it and teach it for two months in Gurgaon, India. I believe my trip was a success regarding this goal and I'm excited seeing the fruits of it today. Being super detail-oriented is not for everyone and I was so happy to see people work very hard to refining this skill in themselves.

My personal goal for the trip was to make friendships that would carry over past the duration of the trip and welcome a large group of people into the cultural fold of our company. I knew that I would get a chance to learn about India like I hadn't yet in the U.S., but what I didn't realize was that India and the people at Genpact would welcome me into the cultural fold of India.

I'm still not sure I can completely convey with words what the two-month experience was like. I was immediately struck with the warmest hospitality by everyone around me, even many people who initially just stared at this pale, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Westerner. (To pretend I didn't stand out and attempt to blend in was a joke, let's be honest. So I embraced it as often as I could!)

A few highlights with these amazing people:

• The impromptu photo shoot in the walkway of the office - *almost* everyone loved getting their personal pictures taken
• Having to repeat myself regarding colloquialisms that are Western and have no relevance in India - I still failed at this, as hard as I tried
• Getting used to the side-to-side head nod that accompanied many of my questions to the class; is that a 'yes', a 'no' or a 'maybe'? (I was doing it myself before I knew it and it still hasn't worn off at home - I love it!)
• The heated QA jeopardy and housey trivia games amongst the blue, red and yellow teams. If I remember right, blue team took the lead many times, right everyone?
• Friday night dinner at Ambience Mall with the QA peeps - still one of my fondest memories altogether. (I learned Indian food tastes better when you eat it with your hands)
• Getting into Sahil's car with all the girls and hearing Taylor Swift on the stereo - so funny!
• The superhero discussion one early morning on the night shift - RAJNIKANTH! (I'm not a person who recalls quotes well but I can still quote things that Bhupendra, Divesh and Lalit said about superheroes - so funny!)
• Akash reminding me that though the weekend started the next day, most of my Saturday would be ruined since I had to sleep most of the day
• Pizza - instead of pronouncing the word with the t-sound like peet-zah, everyone says peez-zah
• Priyanka walking me down to the doctor's office after I gave up on my pride and admitted I was sick
• The look in Vittesh's eyes when we would talk about steak - still cracks me up
• The care and concern everyone would express when I came in tired or not feeling too well
• Everyone encouraging me with their sweet sentiments when I wore "Indian dress" - I still wear it sometimes in U.S.!

And that's just a sampling of things I enjoyed with these great people!

There were several other people that were blessings to me:

• The men who worked in the hotel restaurant - they would see me come in and immediately offer to bring any number of my favorite items (aloo paratha, masala dosa, bhaji, dal, cappucino, egg omelette, dim sum, etc.)
• Head housekeeper, the hotel's general manager and the female assistant manager - always so helpful
• Sweet, cute kids that live in the house behind my hotel building - they always waved "bye, bye, bye" when they'd see me
• All of the drivers, taking me to-and-from the office, all over Gurgaon and Delhi, etc.
• The cute family that stopped me in Kingdom of Dreams to ask me my name and where I was from rather than stare and run away - they were the first ones to do that and were just so fun to talk to
• Shailaja, Manish, Avani and Tanisha - they knew I'd need to adjust some and were really encouraging the entire time
• The Park Plaza restaurant staff - I'd come in alone a lot and they would strike up some really good conversations

I will be forever grateful to the people who showed me nothing but kindness while I was there; no doubt, my trip would not have been so wonderful if it had not been for them.

{Songs to Sing}: Never Once

Never Once

by Matt Redman (performed), Jason Ingram & Tim Wanstall

Standing on this mountaintop 

Looking just how far we've come 

Knowing that for every step 

You were with us 

Kneeling on this battle ground 

Seeing just how much You've done 

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us 

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Yes, our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Kneeling on this battle ground 

Seeing just how much You've done 

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us 

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Yes, our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Carried by Your constant grace 

Held within Your perfect peace 

Never once, no, we never walk alone 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace 

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Life in India - The People, part one

*Note: I wrote this while still in India but life happened and I'm just posting it now. Thanks for understanding!

Let me tell you all something that you may not know: the people of India are some incredible people. Trust me, I don't dole out that compliment very often (a rather unfortunate matter all of its own). I tend to think people are morally corrupt until proven otherwise (I kid, I kid). Seriously though, I have been blown away over and over again by these beautiful people - their hospitality, the love of family, their commitment to hard work, the devotion to tradition, and more than anything, their resilience. If there is anything that would keep me in India, its the people.

About 1.2 billion human beings live in all of India. To give you some perspective, India's landmass is slightly more than 1/3 of the size of the U.S. While the U.S. has approximately 311 million people, India has four times as many people! All that to say: India can feel just a little crowded, especially in "touristy" places or in the cities. Also, the hard truth about India is that it's technically still considered a developing country, despite the large number of technology and IT-related companies that find a home here. As a result, there are hundreds of millions of people living at what many people consider extreme poverty.

For my entire trip in India so far and especially to/from Agra, I question, "How do people manage this lifestyle everyday?" I'm not talking about the person who makes a decent living and is able to provide well for their family. I'm talking about the people I see cooking food for their families on the sidewalk within a short walk from my hotel. I'm talking about the women who sit on the side of the road with their babies running around only in t-shirts in the gravel dirt, waiting for who knows what. My Western sensitivities and ideas about living are assaulted over and over again by what I see all around me. I live a plush life in Texas and there is a part of me that cannot remain the same after seeing what I've seen. And I don't want it to! Almost daily I am struck with a pang of guilt and another "Why?". Why, that as I tuck myself into this nice queen size bed in this 4 or 5 star hotel, a family literally just downstairs from my room lived in a brick hut that was just knocked down by a developer?

I don't want you to hear me saying something I'm not so let me be clear: the Indian people do not need my/your/our pity. That is not my purpose in writing all of this. More than anything I want to be challenged and to challenge you all in your way of thinking about life and its many pleasures. Do not take anything you have for granted. It is all a gift.

I've talked to Fima, Manish, Avani and Shailaja about this a few times over the last few weeks. I cannot bear to be silent about what I see and I have so many questions. How do they do it? What goes on in a mother's heart and mind when she hoists herself onto the back of a motorcycle, knowing she has only two hands to hold onto to safety for herself and her baby? How do you decide whether to roll down your car window to give the legless man down below a few rupees? What happens when 120 degrees outside threatens to drain you of your life and there is no escape?

Many will say that I can't bother with all the "what-if" and "why" thoughts...they'll overwhelm me, they say. Others say to do what you can and trust God with the rest.

I have yet to find an answer that fits and feels right. I don't want to walk away from India more selfish than I came - grateful to learn a life lesson about my abundant blessings and leave it at that. No, that won't do.

So, what to do? I know a few good resources available immediately that can provide some help to someone here in India - great and small.

First, there is Compassion International - one of my favorite organizations. There are tons of beautiful faces attached to beautiful kiddos that need some support for school, healthy food, etc. If you're interested, check it out! I am planning to choose an Indian friend for my buddy Juan in Nicaragua. Maybe a girl this time!

Also, As Our Own is a wonderful organization based in India that serves to "rescue children from lives of slave labor, such as organized begging and the sex trade." You can easily sign up for their email distribution list or follow them on Facebook to keep up with tangible and intangible needs there.


Finally, there are several other organizations that commit themselves to the people of India: in financial ways, in physical resources, in prayer, etc.

• Water.org for clean water
• WorldVision.org for child sponsorship
• Love146 for prevention, awareness & recovery from sex trafficking

I am sure there are many, many more to list but these are a few that jump out to me by either experience with each org or word of mouth from others.

The people I encountered in the office (amazing people!! see a picture of some of us below), all of the car drivers, hotel staff, restaurant staff, rickshaw drivers, market salespeople, hospital staff...they were exceptional! They were all so warm, welcoming and very eager to make me feel at home as much as possible. I would not have made it through my time there were it not for them!

It's the people of India that I will miss most of all.

I want to write again about the people of India but more specifically about my new teammates, the guys and gals that opened up their minds and hearts to welcome me in. Stay continued for part two...

(Take one)

(Take two...more open eyes!)

(A fun group of people)

Life in India - Trip to Agra

I think it has been a whopping three weeks since I wrote much of anything on this blog. So sorry to everyone who has been trying to keep up via the blog! I've tried to update facebook fairly often but even then, I'm struggling to post things because I have been all over the place lately.

So, first things first - you need to hear and see the trip to Agra!

Jai Gurudev temple on the road to Agra

We left Gurgaon around 6:30am on Saturday morning and almost immediately started the trip to Agra. The drive itself took about four and a half hours and we arrived in Agra at about 11:30am. Just like most of my rides around Gurgaon, my eyes stayed peeled open on the ride to Agra - we drove through so many villages along the way, I didn't want to miss anything. We saw temples, colleges, city life, camels, cows - all while driving 90-100 kmph in Indian traffic!

Highway sign pointing us in the right direction

Traffic jam!

Auto rickshaw repair stop

Statues of gods ready for purchase

Another traffic jam, this time with bulls (or cows or water buffalo - whatever they are!)

When we arrived in Agra, all I could think about was finally seeing the Taj Mahal. The drive was definitely worth it. Trust me when I say that pictures don't really capture the beauty of this place. Inside, it's not that fascinating since there is no electricity and it's quite dark. But the outside is beautiful up close and far away. Even the idea of being at the Taj Mahal - this place that was built over 400 years ago and took 22 years to build in total - left me mostly speechless :-)

The entrance gate to the main attraction. It was very beautiful on its own!

As you walk towards the entrance, the anticipation increases...

Almost in full sight...

There it is!!

A view back at the entrance gate from a platform that holds the Lady Diana bench

SHADE! Sweet relief from the heat

One of the two buildings that flank the Taj Mahal

The interesting part, for me, about the Taj Mahal is the amount of work that went into building this place. Not only is it almost entirely symmetrical in every way, every single fleck of color in that white marble is in-laid by hand with gemstones. The Arabic that surrounds most of the arches of the building were created with pieces of black onyx

Our director, Mark, hired a tour guide for the trip around Agra and after visiting the Taj Mahal, the tour guide took us to a nice restaurant for lunch, followed by a few stops at some shops that create similar artwork found in the Taj. The first shop dealt with marble artwork in-laid with gemstones and jewels. The amount of time and hard work that goes into the smallest item is incredible. The coaster below includes more than 40 individual pieces of gemstones that are cut to size manually by the men who do this trade for a living. One 4 foot diameter table with probably about 50-75 of these flowers on it will take a team of men about 8-9 months to complete. One table top - three men - 9 months of work. Incredible!

After lunch and all the handicraft shops, we stopped by Agra's Red Fort. Unfortunately, I had quite a headache from the heat and sun so I stayed in the van with Fima while the other 3 people in our group went inside Red Fort. It didn't take long for Agra's most needy people to approach the van and ask for money; in less than one hour, we likely saw 6-8 different kids or women. This is the most difficult thing to see in India, by far. I have acclimated to the cows, the pigs, the trash, the crowds, the lack of English in most places, the spicy foods but these faces - I'm not sure I have ever felt so helpless in my life. But...that is a post all of its own.

Once the visit to Red Fort was finished, we made our way out of Agra and back to Gurgaon. I thought riding in a car with an Indian driver during the day was nerve-racking; night rides are terrifying! I trust these guys - it's their job to drive everywhere - but it doesn't keep me from getting carsick or jumpy when we drive just a little too close to a family of five on one motorcycle.

That's right - a family of FIVE on ONE motorcycle. You won't believe it unless you see it. In one instance, the mother sat on the very back with her infant bouncing in one arm as she held onto the bike with her other hand. I couldn't help but think about all of the side airbags and expensive carseats and helmets that are abundantly available in the U.S. And yet, this is normal everyday life for millions of people here. It makes the cramped car rides in my dad's single cab truck with the whole family seem like a cakewalk.

 Kids playing cricket - if there's an empty field, people are playing cricket!

So, that's it for Agra and the Taj Mahal. I hope you enjoy the pictures! I will follow up this post with another about the many visits I've made to Delhi in the last few weeks.

Love you all!

Agra and Taj Mahal Preview!

Training has really ramped up over the last week or so and I don't have as much time to do blog updates at the moment but I promise to make time this weekend. That being said, I have a few pictures for a little preview of our fun in Agra to see the Taj Mahal.

And it happened...

I got the sick stomach. Boo!

Granted, it could be much much worse. I'm mostly dealing with stomach cramps, "washroom issues" and absolutely no desire to eat a real meal. My diet for the last 72 hours consists solely of bottled water, Clif bars, raw almonds, honey Teddy Grahams and cheddar flavor rice snacks - all items from home.

I felt very confident (first mistake!) after my second or third day here - I had tried various cuisines and successfully avoided any sign of an upset stomach. I got adventurous my first day in the office for training (second mistake!) and tried a cheese and mushroom panini with a small iced latte. Whoops! I think that's what set this off. That, or the ravioli from the hotel that had tons of black pepper in it. I'm not sure which is the real culprit.

In any case, I am looking for a straw to sink into my bottle of Pepto Bismol. Everyone is very accommodating and wants to help; constant offers of medicines or "safe" meals are offered, though at this point, I am not sure there is a safe food for my current state. I promised I would try some Domino's pizza tomorrow for lunch so pray I am able to eat by then! I had an Indian-style grilled cheese for lunch today; while it tasted delicious, I think it only irritated my stomach more. For my American friends, try adding diced tomato and onion along with a soft cheese - maybe monterey jack - for a grilled cheese. It's delicious!

Other than my gastro news (you are so lucky for reading, right?), most everything else is going well. The training is coming along nicely, especially after today's session. I gave the class their first glance at a real-life questionnaire and what they will be working with on a daily basis. Whereas the questions about Days 1 and 2 were difficult to pull out from the crowd, now there are a great amount of questions. A general sense of wanting to discover the purpose behind why clients do the things they do for research is bubbling up. I love it!

The rides between the hotel and the office hypnotize me. I sit wide eyed every time! I wish I was brave enough to bring out my camera to share this with you all; I do not want to be rude or being "touristy" though I will likely succumb soon :-) Let me tell you this - the people of India are about the nicest people I have ever encountered. Ever!

Several people have asked about the flight here and my sleep schedule switching over to local time. It's been a real challenge. I would not suggest a 15-hour flight to anyone! Ack! It was difficult for me, I will just say that.

My sleep schedule has not acclimated just yet - it's only been 6 days. This week, I leave my hotel at 7:15am (8:45pm CST) to be at the office before 8am. I get back to the hotel around 3pm (4:30am CST) and most days I sleep right away, missing dinner and waking up again around 11pm or midnight. I then do some training prep for a few hours and sleep for 1-3 hours before waking up around 6am for the new day. Of course, today that schedule worked great, I feel very rested but my training schedule changes next week to 3pm-10pm so I will have to adjust all over again!

I must work on some more materials before 6am comes to soon; it is 3am right now and I am wide awake.

Until next time - cheers!