A painful and beautiful journey

I call this a journey because I am the last person that wants to say "I've arrived, I've figured it out." I need a sign on my forehead that says "Work In Progress". With that said, I'm long overdue for some public confession.

For years, I've made food, instant gratification and every whim and desire that comes to mind my supreme focus. Not always consciously, that's true, but I'd be a liar if I said I made some choices without thinking twice. From a sociological standpoint, we can come up with tons of reasons (read: excuses) for this - the American culture, an abundance of resources, "living life to the fullest", tradition, "there's nothing wrong with it", "you're too hard on yourself", etc. For me, the truth is: I turn to food and satiety in its many forms for comfort, security, control and identity.

A few years ago, someone was speaking about responsibility and accountability for weaknesses in one's character and actions. The speaker pointed out many of our well-acquainted (and often, socially acceptable) reasons we give for not owning up to our failures; the list included the ones already mentioned and others like family/friend influence, upbringing, peer pressure, emotional instability. These are all rooted in the attitude of helplessness. Before I knew it, the breaking blow came out of the speaker's mouth - none of these (nor any others) are valid excuses for being a grown adult and feeding/growing in your character flaws. We were being challenged to own our failures and actions in the present; our destructive and irresponsible behaviors should (and could) no longer be blamed on anyone else.

It was an awakening. For the first time in my adult life, my heart and mind were open to the truth that I can make a conscious choice to not feed my flaws. It was also soul crushing for me. I felt utterly overwhelmed when I looked at the breadth of my destructive ways and I didn't trust in my strength to truly change. I knew I was weak and that it was my lack of strength that had always failed me.

Let me say this before going on any further: this isn't just about food. If you're reading this and think that's the case, please reconsider. It's possible that you're reading and we are not very well acquainted - oh the joys of facebook and the internets - but if we've had a conversation in the last 5-7 years, I'd like to think that you know I'm talking of much more than food issues. And as cheesy as it may sound - I would have rolled my eyes and sighed too at one point (oh how the proud fall) - I'm talking about the heart here. Your heart. My heart. Left to our own devices, we will ALWAYS choose comfort and satiety. That's the chief focus here and I'm begging you, don't disengage or shut down. Hear me out.

So, back to this journey I'm on. I was faced with my self destructive behaviors in full for the first time ever. I could see them for what they were and I was heartbroken. My excuses had been stripped away and I felt very raw, very bare to this new reality. I am the overachiever, the do-gooder, the A student, a proud firstborn. I don't fail, right?

Wrong.

I tell this story when people ask me what changed in regards to taking care of my physical self. Really, I know my thoughts and emotions were already being stirred up to see reality but it caught up with me one morning as I woke up. I looked over to the mirror on top of my dresser as I sat up in bed and I didn't recognize my reflection. I stared for a long time, trying to pick up any faint reminders of me and I couldn't. I was really scared and the heartbreak weighed heavy.

I don't know about others but the perfectionist firstborn thing plays both to my favor and my pain. When I fall, I want to pick myself up by my bootstraps, dust myself off and go. My sister said the other day, "when you decide something, you jump in head first." It's true and isn't something I'm ashamed of, really. I just don't always pick the best things to jump head first into and I'm woefully disappointed when I don't succeed. See! Favor and pain.

I woke up and knew things had to change. Through tons of interactions with others and plenty of self reflection, I finally correlated my unhealthy living with deep rooted excuses and lies I had bought into for years. I'm not sure I believe a person experiences true success with any physical change without experiencing emotional and spiritual change as well. In fact, I may someday argue that the emotional and spiritual change must occur first before anything. I may also come back and eat my words, too. Only time will tell.

The last 16-18 months have held plenty of success and failure. I've tried a crash diet, hardcore calorie tracking, USDA food guidelines (huge mistake, by the way), working out hard 5-6 days a week; I gave up trying to do anything for a short jaunt while in India thinking Indian food would prove healthier than my normal diet. It's mostly vegetarian, how could that hurt? (Side note: has anyone eaten paneer? As delicious as it is, it's not meant to be eaten everyday. Trust me and the 5-8 lbs I gained.) My pride has been tested to (what feels like) the extreme and that includes my insecurities and fears.

You know what, though? I've tasted the freedom of choice and it's what keeps me going. Even when I fall (and this happens often), I forcefully remind myself that I have a choice to make - death or life - and  I'm enabled to get back up again. I told a dear friend recently, when talking about what changed down deep: "I finally believe the promise of real joy is for me and I want to do everything I can to taste it. I was a slave to myself and my appetite. I want and choose joy today."

I wonder sometimes, "what would I be like today if I believed these things but I hadn't experienced any physical progress in the right direction? Would I persevere or would I retreat into old ways?" In all honesty, I don't have a solid answer to that question. I know I'd like it to be positive, that this change is much deeper than skin, but I'm not sure. Again, only time will tell.

If you're reading and identify with anything I've said, can I encourage you? You are more than your ideas about you and your life is meant to be much more than you think it is. I'm not talking about money, social success, the ideal weight, romance. I'm talking about the down deep you - you are meant for more than your ideas of what you should be. Haven't you asked it before? In the quiet, in the still moments when the noise fades, haven't you whispered or shouted it out to yourself? Maybe even hoping that someone would answer?

I have good news: there is someone to answer. Someone heard me when I was at my lowest, when I could barely form words to express the pain and regret. I know it is hard to believe; I've doubted it countless times and don't be surprised (I won't) when I'm found doubtful again. Someone values you much more than anyone or anything else in this world; someone hears you, even in your silence. You won't ever be able to fathom His care, His love for you and He doesn't expect you to. He only asks for you to come: "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." His name is Jesus Christ and He wants to give you rest right now.

The joy, the freedom, the ability to see, the strength to make a choice, that I can get up when I fall - it is only possible because I find my peace in Him. Don't try to clean yourself up first. Don't ignore the call until tomorrow. Don't believe that you've got too much baggage or that you're beyond the gifts of grace and mercy - they're lies and only lead to more pain. Go to Him with your anger, your pain, your frustrations, your fears, your insecurities, your lusts, your hunger, your thirst. I promise that He will answer. And those ideas you've created about what your life is and can be will be trumped in painful but beautiful ways.

Choose joy. Join me on this journey

Anything

(I wrote this to one of my sisters from a different mister and I felt like it needed to be posted here too)

I was thinking deeper with this quote last night and had just a few thoughts floating around as a result.

"I will do anything not to die here. I want to live and not die." 

(Jen Wilkin in the Women's Bible Study at my church)

The word "live" here has so many meanings to me beyond the obvious. To live equals not dying. And I don't think of just a physical death (though it's not excluded from that meaning here) but also, I think of it as the death of dreams-to-be-fulfilled; death of who I really am inside that is hidden behind depression, self-hate, insecurity and hopelessness; death of what I could be but choose not to be by not fighting sin; death of real joy, even happiness on some levels; death of the experience of real, honest-to-goodness freedom; death of a deer-panting-for-water type of relationship with Jesus. So, therefore, since "to live" means that these things (and I) don't have to die, then "to live" means it won't be my hand that causes my body to wither away; I am free to be me because I don't bow to fear, insecurity, depression anymore; I can actually dream (!!) instead of killing my dreams when I am crippled by my sin and am hopeless; my self-imposed, closed doors to my future potential are now open; I can finally experience more than fleeting happiness but abiding joy (it's a real thing that I didn't think existed for a long time); and best of all, I get to have a relationship with Jesus that isn't a yoke but a delight.

All of this because first, I have said "I will do anything not to die here." Jen called it a "ruthless determination" to fight sin. It makes me think of a popular sermon jam with Piper. Holy smokes, it's powerful.

The quote is also indicative of how I've had to force myself to think about the sin I find myself in with the biggest, longest living idols in my life. It sticks with me because I prayed (and still do) a lot that God wouldn't turn me over to my sin, i.e. what I desired more than Him. I told Him that I needed Him to be my rescue, literally pulling me away from my sin and my selfish tendencies with whatever means was necessary. He's been faithful in this time and time again; my lust for these things still rages on and I still fail a lot but the heart-positioning that is the foundation of this quote is what I have to pursue over and over - every single day. It doesn't come natural but it's possible if I'll just ask for it every single day. I don't want to live to be a slave, I want to live to be free. Free.

Greatly loved

This is an excerpt from my go-to devotional year round. Even if I listed each example, you'd never believe how often I will randomly pull up that day's morning or evening entry and it speaks straight to an issue I am dealing with that day. I sat in church on Sunday morning after singing my medicine and asked my good friend, "Why? Why does He love us? How could He?" The Lord not only continually teaches me to trust in His love for me, He also asks me to step out of the trap of unbelief. Just as I'm asking "How? Why?", He shows that He loves me - loves me just where I am, questions and all - by leading me to a passage about His very nature. Unbelievable.

Evening

"...man greatly loved." - Daniel 10:11

Child of God, do you hesitate to appropriate this title? Has your unbelief made you forget that you are also greatly loved? Surely you must have been greatly loved, to have been bought with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot? When God crushed His only Son for you, what was this but being greatly loved? You lived in sin and rioted in it; surely you were greatly loved for God to have been so patient with you.You were called by grace and led to a Savior and made a child of God and an heir of heaven. Doesn't this all prove a very great and superabounding love? Since that time, whether your path has been rough with troubles or smooth with mercies, it has been full of proofs that you are greatly loved. If the Lord has chastened you, it was not in anger; if He has made you poor, still in grace you have been rich. The more unworthy you feel yourself to be, the more evidence you have that nothing but unspeakable love could have led the Lord Jesus to save a soul like yours. The more disapproval you feel, the clearer is the display of God's abounding love in choosing you and calling you and making you an heir of heaven. Now, if such love exists between God and us, let us live in the influence and sweetness of it and use the privilege of our position. We should not approach our Lord as though we are strangers or as though He were unwilling to hear us - for we are greatly loved by our loving Father. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"* Come boldly, believer, for despite the whispers of Satan and the doubts of your own heart, you are greatly loved. Meditate on the exceeding greatness and faithfulness of divine love this evening, and then go to your bed in peace.

*Romans 8:32
(emphasis added by me)

What a difference a year can make...

It wasn't but just over one year ago this month, I decided that it was time for a major change in that way that I ate, drank, stayed active, looked, etc. Inspired and encouraged by a few brave friends, I began the hard and long (thought it doesn't feel like it) process of shedding about 90-100lbs. I'm only half way done now but I can already look back in amazement at how out of control I had become.

It's a complicated battle...losing weight. Anyone who says that it's merely a physical, outward issue does not have their head screwed on right. There is no way I can combat my weight without digging down deep to figure out how I got so big in the first place. Lots of bad habits, plenty of negligence and ignorance, too much self-pity and pride...they all contributed to the problem.

I won't give you all the secrets to getting yourself together - if you're using the computer right now and watch TV at least every once in awhile, you know what steps you need to take to get it together. Instead, I'll just say this - love yourself enough to take care of yourself. It's not about physical looks, it's not about being a certain weight, it's not about being able to shop wherever you want - those are all nice and wonderful in their own way. It's about doing what is right and good and holy for your body. Stop making excuses and move. You'll never regret it, even when you're cursing Jillian Michaels/your trainer/the salad bar/the scale.

I'm only half way there but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I've already won my life back. Now, time to move....

(Left: "before" in August 2009 / Right: "half way done" in September 2011 / approx. 55-60lbs gone!)

Life in India - The People, part two

*Note: I meant to write this while still in India but life happened and I'm just posting it now. Thanks for understanding!

Last time I wrote about India, I talked about the people - in general - of that great nation. I didn't get a chance to really dig into my fun times with all of my teammates and the many others that I encountered on a regular basis. That's what I hope to do here - to recount more than just stories, but to express my deepest gratitude for hospitality beyond anything I've experienced to that point.

My business goal for the trip was to train a group of approximately 30 people on how to manage the Quality Assurance function of survey programming at my company. Seeing as I took the lead in refining the process internally over the last few years, I was asked to present it and teach it for two months in Gurgaon, India. I believe my trip was a success regarding this goal and I'm excited seeing the fruits of it today. Being super detail-oriented is not for everyone and I was so happy to see people work very hard to refining this skill in themselves.

My personal goal for the trip was to make friendships that would carry over past the duration of the trip and welcome a large group of people into the cultural fold of our company. I knew that I would get a chance to learn about India like I hadn't yet in the U.S., but what I didn't realize was that India and the people at Genpact would welcome me into the cultural fold of India.

I'm still not sure I can completely convey with words what the two-month experience was like. I was immediately struck with the warmest hospitality by everyone around me, even many people who initially just stared at this pale, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Westerner. (To pretend I didn't stand out and attempt to blend in was a joke, let's be honest. So I embraced it as often as I could!)

A few highlights with these amazing people:

• The impromptu photo shoot in the walkway of the office - *almost* everyone loved getting their personal pictures taken
• Having to repeat myself regarding colloquialisms that are Western and have no relevance in India - I still failed at this, as hard as I tried
• Getting used to the side-to-side head nod that accompanied many of my questions to the class; is that a 'yes', a 'no' or a 'maybe'? (I was doing it myself before I knew it and it still hasn't worn off at home - I love it!)
• The heated QA jeopardy and housey trivia games amongst the blue, red and yellow teams. If I remember right, blue team took the lead many times, right everyone?
• Friday night dinner at Ambience Mall with the QA peeps - still one of my fondest memories altogether. (I learned Indian food tastes better when you eat it with your hands)
• Getting into Sahil's car with all the girls and hearing Taylor Swift on the stereo - so funny!
• The superhero discussion one early morning on the night shift - RAJNIKANTH! (I'm not a person who recalls quotes well but I can still quote things that Bhupendra, Divesh and Lalit said about superheroes - so funny!)
• Akash reminding me that though the weekend started the next day, most of my Saturday would be ruined since I had to sleep most of the day
• Pizza - instead of pronouncing the word with the t-sound like peet-zah, everyone says peez-zah
• Priyanka walking me down to the doctor's office after I gave up on my pride and admitted I was sick
• The look in Vittesh's eyes when we would talk about steak - still cracks me up
• The care and concern everyone would express when I came in tired or not feeling too well
• Everyone encouraging me with their sweet sentiments when I wore "Indian dress" - I still wear it sometimes in U.S.!

And that's just a sampling of things I enjoyed with these great people!

There were several other people that were blessings to me:

• The men who worked in the hotel restaurant - they would see me come in and immediately offer to bring any number of my favorite items (aloo paratha, masala dosa, bhaji, dal, cappucino, egg omelette, dim sum, etc.)
• Head housekeeper, the hotel's general manager and the female assistant manager - always so helpful
• Sweet, cute kids that live in the house behind my hotel building - they always waved "bye, bye, bye" when they'd see me
• All of the drivers, taking me to-and-from the office, all over Gurgaon and Delhi, etc.
• The cute family that stopped me in Kingdom of Dreams to ask me my name and where I was from rather than stare and run away - they were the first ones to do that and were just so fun to talk to
• Shailaja, Manish, Avani and Tanisha - they knew I'd need to adjust some and were really encouraging the entire time
• The Park Plaza restaurant staff - I'd come in alone a lot and they would strike up some really good conversations

I will be forever grateful to the people who showed me nothing but kindness while I was there; no doubt, my trip would not have been so wonderful if it had not been for them.